I’m Not Lazy. I’m Just Stubborn With Taste.

Too many times, I’ve fought the same dumb war: discipline vs procrastination.
Spoiler: I lost. Or worse — I won and hated myself for it.

I'm making calendars and creating structure, trying to force myself into a certain path. Why not work together with myself instead? Why do I need to be forced? Am I a dog that needs training? It only created hate—for myself, for the system, and for my lack of progress towards my goals.

Every productivity guru sells you the same poison: consistency, discipline, structure, and their own system, which never seems to quite work for me.

The False Binary of Productivity

I have a goal, and my goal has work items. There is a best plan. My plan.

My how-to-do-this, which is somehow still always in my head, type of list. It's my control over the path. But true control isn't about doing the to-dos but reaching my goal.

Every time I think of "what is my next step", my brain presents a choice:

Do what you said you'd do

or

Distract myself until it's the end of the day, and I didn't do, or half-so-and-so-ishly did the thing

I made it a binary option. There's winning and losing, so I was always fighting to be the winner.

Yesterday, I noticed I didn't want to work on my YouTube thing. And the next day, I still didn't want to. (big surprise)

You know the direction. You even want to go there.
But your legs won’t move — not because they’re lazy, but because they know it’s not the right weather.

“The compass points north, but the storm says wait.”

It’s not a doubt. It’s temporal misalignment.
Like knowing you love someone… but the conversation you need to have with them? Not today, baby..

The deepest parts of me say, "Force yourself to do it." This is a thin line to walk. If you never find a good moment to talk with your partner, maybe you need to force yourself. But perhaps the quick hallway encounter at a family dinner is not the place to drop a bombshell about the relationship.

Your Subconscious Knows Something You Don't

A better way to look at this is like aikido for your brain. Instead of taking that fist of work head-on, you redirect the energy. Accept your subconscious, and do not fight it when it says it doesn't want to do it—because it doesn't want to do it. What are you, a tyrant? A bully? Only your way works huh?

My advantage is that I have a lot of ideas constantly popping up. But the downside is that sometimes my subconscious throws up a wall and says, "I am NOT going to do that."

Creativity isn't something I can force or squeeze out like toothpaste from an almost-empty tube. Yes, I can build rituals to get my creativity flowing, but sometimes my brain goes, "I am not going to do that," and no amount of discipline porn will change it. The more stubborn you are, the more you will notice it.

And I’m stubborn.
Stubborn like “dig the hole deeper just to prove it wasn’t a mistake” stubborn.
If I commit to the wrong task, I stay committed —
all the way to the creative graveyard.

Resistance Isn't Failure — It's Intelligence

Why not just stop and wait? What does it want to do then? And make sure you present it with lots of alternatives that are also aligned with one or another goal. I doubt you have only one goal. Maybe your subconscious is trying to say, "Hey, let's focus on something else for a while." He just doesn't know you planned it on Wednesday and not Tuesday.

If I keep fighting against this resistance, trying again and again, I build up walls of resentment. If I just go, "Okay, I don't wanna do that, but what DO I want to do?" and start focusing on that, I notice that after a while, the desire to do the original thing comes back naturally—and I've done other work that needed to be done anyway.

Resistance isn't failure, and it isn't wrong. It's a good fucking sign that you are focusing too much on something. You are probably so brainwashed by doing it almost daily for the job that pays the rent, that you forget that it's NOT common. Just because we are a slave to our decaying bodies that need food, which is so important we can ignore all warning systems, doesn't mean we should do it with everything else.

The Graveyard of Projects

If you have a million graveyard projects, it might be because you kept trying to force your subconscious to do something it didn't want to do. Symphony will definitely work better than tyranny. Learn to give yourself some love...

The difference between a temporary lack of motivation and a deeper need for change is subtle. It's the structure your subconscious is trying to build WITH you. If you dictate completely, "This is the way it's going to be," your subconscious becomes even more stubborn.

Some people need physical movement first. Their subconscious says, "We can't focus on this creative task until we've burned off some energy." It's about detecting that order. Sometimes that order switches temporarily, and sometimes it's about finding a better overall balance.

The Paradox of Consistency

Here's the mind-fuck: The only way to stay consistent is to allow yourself to be inconsistent with your goals.

Let go because letting go is required to get those creative juices flowing. If I start putting pressure on my creative work the way I do with my day job, it all collapses. After two weeks, I don't want to do it anymore at all. I become so resistant that I can't kick-start it again, even if I start with it for five minutes. Apparently, it is not only impossible to raise the dead, but also unethical.

So if you're looking at a graveyard of dead projects (which I know a lot of people have), stop being a tyrant to your own creativity. Listen to what you actually want to do today that still moves you toward something meaningful.

Your journey is yours alone. People judge those who try differently. They envy those who succeed anyway.

Keep creating — just do it on your terms, not someone else's productivity religion.

See you next week... or whenever DR. CHAOS decides to smack the idea printer again.