Tried everything. Finished nothing. Welcome to my TED Talk.

I burned out so hard I could hear my to-do list laughing at me. I kept chasing freedom like an idiot, sprinting loops inside my own head, convincing myself it was right around the next corner. It wasn’t. I only started seeing what mattered after I stopped moving and let everything collapse.

I've never thought I would write this. Actually... I've never thought I'd have to reflect on becoming such a boneless person. Stuck in the life I didn't want nor wish for. Just a week after becoming 30 my straw broke completely.

This is not where I want to be... Shit...

Now what? I've been experimenting for the last 8 years with new things, new hobbies, new everything... But new only meant "born to die." It was only without the creepy phone call.

Trying new things weren't working? Why? I was at a point where I wanted to do more drastic things. Travel for a year? Take a sabbatical year? I wanted to have financial freedom to go and explore, but I also wanted a steady income to do such. I didn't realize I was speaking contradictions. Wanting risk without risk. Wanting freedom by slaving myself to work. I just wanted something different.

But different is not enough. Otherwise my 5742 project attempts would have taken off. But I dropped all of them faster than I could count. If you're still reading this... Then you probably by now get the feeling and get the point. You're running in circles...

It's called circular reasoning...

"This maze is easy to solve because I know the exit exists, and since it's easy to solve, I'll find the exit right away!"

Do you see the bigger picture? No? Exactly...

If you are still confused, just think about the chicken or the egg problem. Which came first? When you are done thinking about it... Congrats! Circular reasoning completed! Or not completed because where is my answer?

Whenever we are stuck in something, we lack the bigger picture. Our logical conclusions keep going back to the same conclusion. Did I mention this is also the definition of being crazy? - You crazy bastard!

But seeing the bigger picture is hard. It's almost impossibly hard. And most of the time it just helps to talk with people about it. But sometimes people can't help you. And in my case, they made it worse (sorry friends and family)...

8 years of endless recycling of projects only led me to these questions and observations:

1. I work myself to death for someone else's problem, but I can't keep focusing on my own ideas for very long (expectation much)
2. The harder the problem, the harder I work
3. I work harder if it's for someone else (servitude), but not when it's for free (guess I'm not doing charity work)
4. I hate working for an hourly rate (because whenever I am creative I should charge a lot, and when I'm just dabbling I should probably charge almost nothing). Hourly rates just don't work in my head...
5. I went from taking a lot of risk to taking no risk

That's not a lot to go on... But there was one big difference. Taking a lot of risk and then no risk is something that changed. But it's not like I didn't take risk. I just never completed any of them? Was I lazy? Yes but no that's not the problem (I'm easily absorbed in a problem for weeks if it interests me). So did it not interest me? It did! I wanted it! But I'm just not fucking doing it.

The fucking safety net... At some point it hit me... When do I work? When I fucking have to or when there is something interesting to solve. When the pressure is red hot. When there is either hot creative engagement of me wanting to engage in an idea, a concept, and see how far I can push it!

As a kid, I did most of my learning an hour before sleeping on the day of my exams. I am lazy. I work when I need to. Not when I want to. I'm not structured. My whole life is around forcing myself into structure and consistency while I am DR. CHAOS. Ruler of annoying people by having a passing grade with only starting 5 minutes of past time.

-> Jack of all trades, master of none.

officially stolen saying by me

I'm not giving up on what I want to become. I'm just accepting that I need to stop trying to do it in ways that make sense to other people. I don't even need to make full sense to myself. I just need to see what works and what doesn't. Measuring is the only thing that really counts! (hah! no pun intended)

So I took a step back... Why am I constantly trying to build something? A SaaS? A product? A company? An idea? Why is my ego pushing me towards this?

I always get back to:

• being creative
• income stream (change of job away from freelancing)
• choosing my hours

Yada yada, these are basically the perks of achieving it. And to be blunt, some of them I already achieved. I have enough backings to sit on my ass for 8 years and do nothing but I wouldn't because "future investments" and other stuff.

Reminds me: I also want to be an astronaut, but not learn for it, so I don't REALLY want to be one. I just think it would be cool to go to space.

Wanting the results from an effort will of course never be enough. Ahah! Thanks for such obvious fucking info brain. But this is the thing with our brain. When I was reading a lot of psychology books, a lot of moments I was like "of course"... But it was not just "of course." Because I wouldn't have been able to write the damn book. I could just follow the logic. Which brings us to the point of:

It's not about learning, it's about applying and experimenting with yourself. <Everyone>... I mean <most people> can follow basic logic. Only few can teach it, only few do something with it, only few make from not a lot something big. Except for my wife, she can also make from something small something big. (But I still love her).

In short: I needed to start doing things that I would do even without earning money, without thinking about money. So I did the most obvious thing one could do. Nothing.

I need to start doing nothing. And see what remains... And all that truly remains so far is just me thinking... So you get 5 guesses to why I started writing these blogs? Anyone?

[Insert cricket sounds here]

Yeah, that's what I thought.

So that's what I'll be doing for the next month. Just writing about stuff and seeing if I enjoy this process. No grand schemes, no five-year plans, no exit strategies. Just me and my thoughts spilled onto digital paper.

I always have wild plans about starting a wild amount of companies, but I'm going back to the basics, being me, an idea printer that only works and connects when you are smacking it on the head because you're stressed that it isn't printing your school paper that you need to give in in 5 minutes.

And maybe that's the whole point. Maybe I'm not meant to be a structured, goal-oriented entrepreneur with a perfect business plan. Maybe I'm supposed to be this chaotic thought-generator who occasionally produces something brilliant when backed into a corner.

So here's to embracing the chaos. Here's to writing without a damn ROI calculation. Here's to seeing what happens when I stop trying to force myself into someone else's definition of success.

See you next week... or whenever DR. CHAOS decides to smack the idea printer again.